Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!"

Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot wine and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie.

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie.

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, Pierre, kiss me lower!"

Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep in the water, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

Our hero stands up defiantly and says, "I am Pierre the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!"

Boudreaux went into the fish market to apply for a job.

The boss thought to himself - I'm not hiring that lazy portagee, so he decided to set a test for Boudreaux hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.

The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

Boudreaux says, "Dat's easy" and proceeds to draw three trees.

The boss says, "What in the world is that?"

Boudreaux says, "Tree 'n tree 'n tree makes nine."

"Fair enough" says the boss. "Second questions, same rules, but represent 99".

Boudreaux stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree.

"Der ya go sir," he says.

The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

Boudreaux answers, "Each tree is dirty now, so it's - dirty tree 'n dirtytree 'n dirty tree - dat 99."

The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire Boudreaux so he says, "All right, question number 3. Same rules again, but this time represent the number 100."

Boudreaux stares into space again, then he shouts, "I got it!" He makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Der ya go sir - 100."

The boss looks at Boudreaux's attempt and thinks, "Ha! got him this time."

He then tells Boudreaux, "Go on Boudreaux, you must be crazy if you think that represents a 100."

Boudreaux leans forward and points to the little marks at the tree bases and says, "A little dog comes along and craps by each tree", so now ya got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, and dirty tree an 'a turd, which makes 100.

When do I start my job?"

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.

On some Swanson frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.

On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children.

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.

On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.

On a child's superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.

On a baseball bat from Wal Mart:
Do not attempt to eat or consume.

Q: What do women and airplanes have in common?
A: A cockpit

Airplanes Versus Women

Airplanes can kill you quickly; a woman takes her time.

Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.

Airplanes don't get mad if you 'touch and go.'

Airplanes don't object to a pre-flight inspection.

Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.

Airplanes have strict weight and balance limits.

Airplanes can be flown any time of the month.

Airplanes don't come with in-laws.

Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you have flown before.

Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.

Airplanes don't mind if you like to look at other airplanes.

Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.

Airplanes expect to be tied down.

Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.

Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.

However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women, it's a bad thing

An Navy fighter pilot ejected from his jet and wound up on a deserted island. There he stayed, unfound for 11 years.

One day, there appeared a beautiful woman, who simply walked out of the surf.

"How long have you been here?" She asked.

"11 Years," the fighter pilot replied.

"When is the last time you had a cigar?"

"11 Years"

She opened a pocket and gave him a cigar. The fighter pilot took it, and puffed in delight.

"When was the last time you had a drink?," the maiden asked.

"11 Years."

She opens another pocket and pulled out a beer. The pilot drank the whole bottle in one gulp.

"When was the last time you played around?," the lady asked with a gleam in her eye.

"11 years," the deprived pilot replied.

The women started to unzip the front of her wetsuit.

"YOUR'E KIDDING ME?????," said the pilot. "YOU GOT GOLF CLUBS IN THERE!!!!???"

A couple of A-10's are escorting a C-130 Hercules and their pilots were chatting with the pilot of the transport to pass the time.

Talk fell on the subject of relative merits of their respective aircraft with the fighter pilots holding their planes were better because of their maneuverability, weaponry and the like

The C-130 pilot replied "Yeah? Well I can do a few things in this old girl that you'd only dream about." Naturally, he was challenged to demonstrate. "Just watch," he tells them.

The C-130 continues to fly straight and level, and after several minutes the Herk pilot returns to the air and says, "There! How was that?"

Not having seen anything, the fighter pilots say, "What are you talking about? What did you do?"

He replies, "Well, I got up, stretched my legs, got a cup of coffee, then went back and took a leak."

A large two engine train was crossing the country. After they had gone some distance one of the engines
broke down.

"No problem," the engineer thought, and carried on at half-power.

Further on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill.

The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that this is a train and not a plane."

Actual Maintenance reports filed on N494445

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't. work"
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution: Live bugs on order.

Problem: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Problem: IFF inoperative.
Solution: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution: That's what they're there for.

(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid,
(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage

(P) Aircraft handles funny
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right", and be serious

(P) Radio will not operate in official mode. (OFF)
(S) Short between Headsets.

Haircut Standards

MARINES: Heads will be shaved.

ARMY: Stylish flat-tops for all recruits.

NAVY: No haircut standard.

AIR FORCE: Complete make-overs as seen on the Jenny Jones show.

This is a rather classic conversation overheard on the radio at an airport just prior to a very short landing in a high performance aircraft. The location and the pilot involved shall remain unnamed to protect the guilty! :-)

Tower: "xxxx, clear to land"

XXXX: "roger"

Tower: "xxxx, I can not see any landing gear. Is your gear down?"

XXXX: "Say again, I can't hear you because there a some darn horn blaring in my ear!"

Tower: "Your landing gear is NOT DOWN"

XXXX: "Say what, I can't understand you"

Tower: "Your landing gear is ..... aw shit."

"Good ol' boy"

This story was told to me by a friend who "swore" he heard it on an IFR flight in Germany. It seems a "good ol' boy" American (Texas-sounding) AF C-130 reserve pilot was in the (that day very crowded) instrument pattern for landing at Rhein-Main. The conversation went something like this:

Cont: "AF1733, You are on an eight mile final for 27R. You have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots."

Pilot: "Rogo', Frankfurt. We're bringing this big bird back to one-hundred and thirty knots fur ya."

Cont (a few moments later): "AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now 1 1/2 miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots."

Pilot: "AF thirty-three reining this here bird back further to 110 knots"

Cont: "AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now 1 mile ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots"

Pilot (a little miffed): "Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this here C-130 is?"

Cont: "No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you."

April Fools...

On a flight from the West Coast to the East Coast, the lead Flight Attendant was overly excited to get in early as her boyfriend, a pilot, was going to have a short stopover at the destination airport. She made a point of telling her fellow crew members about this. Now being April 1st, the Captain decided to have a little fun.

About an hour out, he made a little announcement over the P.A. that went something like this: "Ladies and Gentlemen this is the Captain speaking. I have a little bit of b ad news. There are some thunderstorms at our destination and they have currently closed the airport. They expect it to reopen in about thirty minutes to an hour. As one might expect, this is causing quite a backup and is resulting in long delays. As we have come all the way from the West Coast, we don't have enough fuel to circle until the airport re-opens. Therefore, we are going to be diverting to Cleveland and we should be landing in about thirty minutes. We'll take some fuel there and get you back on your way to our original destination. I'm terribly sorry for the delay however, we'll get you there just as soon as possible."

It was at this moment that you could hear someone running up to the cockpit. The cockpit door flew open and sure enough it was the lead Flight Attendant mumbling in total disbelief that this can't be happening. As she went on in total incoherency, the Captain made another P.A. similar to this: "Ladies and Gentlemen APRIL FOOLS..."

Delta Airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.

Responses are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"

This is a pretty good joke:

Fighters

Instrument Flying..

Most people wish to fly on the old gauges at one time or another but are prevented by the high cost of the instruments necessary for this form of flight. The following is a more or less known and extremely simple method which may be used by all.

Place a live cat on the cockpit floor, because a cat always remains upright, he or she can be used in lieu of a needle and ball instrument. Merely watch to see which way he leans to determine if a wing is low and if so, which one. This will enable you to your aircraft level in route with complete accuracy and confidence.

A duck is used for final instrument approach and landing, because of the fact that any sensible old duck will refuse to fly under instrument conditions, it is only necessary to hurl your duck out of the cockpit window and follow her to the ground.

There are some limitations on the cat and duck method, but by rigidly adhering to the following check list a degree of success will be achieved which will not only startle you, but will astonish your passengers as well, and may have an occasional tower operator with an open mouth.

· Get a wide-awake cat, most cats do not want to stand up all the time, so it may be necessary to carry a fierce dog along to keep the cat at attention.

· Make sure your cat is clean, dirty cats will spend all the time washing. Trying to follow a washing cat usually results in a slow roll followed by an inverted spin. You will see that this is most unprofessional.

· Old cats are the best, young cats have nine lives, but an old used up cat with only one life left has just as much to loose and will be more dependable.

· Avoid stray cats. Try to get one with good character because you may want to spend time with her.

· Beware of cowardly ducks, if the duck discovers that you are using the cat to stay upright, she will refuse to leave the aeroplane without the cat. Ducks are no better on instruments than you are.

· Get a duck with good eyes. Near sighted ducks sometimes fail to recognise that they are on the old gauges and will go flogging into the nearest hill. Very near sighted ducks will not realise that they have been thrown out and will descend to the ground in a sitting position. This is a most difficult manoeuvre to follow in an airplane.

· Choose your duck carefully, it is easy to confuse ducks with geese. Many large birds look alike. While they are very competent instrument flyers, geese seldom want to go in the same direction that you do. If your duck seems to be taking a heading to Ireland or Sweden, you may be safe in assuming that someone has given you a goose.

Here's a few short ones for you...

Controller to aircraft that just landed: "Bear right, next intersection"

Pilot: "Roger, we have him in sight"

ATC: "Cessna G-ABCD What are your intentions? "

Cessna: "To get my Commercial Pilots Licence and Instrument Rating."

ATC: "I meant in the next five minutes not years."

Purportedly real, but I didn't hear it myself ...

(Transmission as a DC-10 rolls out long after a fast landing...)

San Jose Tower: American 751 heavy, turn right at the end if able.   If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off of Highway   101 back to the airport.

(Heard on the radio -  Really )

Cessna: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."

Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!"

Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is."

A husband suspects his wife is having an affair with a pilot, but she keeps denying it--until finally the husband just knew when his wife said:

"Honey, I've told you once, I've told you twice, I've told you niner thousand times, negative on the affair ..."

1. No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the   delay to make the flight.

2. If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest   gate within the terminal.

3. If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.

4. Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.

5. If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper.

6. If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.

7. Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.

8. The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.

9. The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you.

10. The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.

About ten years ago, when I was a student pilot in Gimli, Manitoba I went on a school arranged tour of the Winnipeg tower facility. I got talking with one of the controllers who related this story to me:

Apparently the controllers were getting really annoyed with the Air Canada pilots who regularly flew into Winnipeg. It would seem that the source of the irritation was the tone of voice that these guys were using. They would come on the frequency with the deepest voices you could imagine, saying things like 'This is Air Canada 345 heavy by the Whiskey for runway 18'.

One of the controllers finally had had enough of this sort of affectation and decided to get even one day. He went out and bought a bunch of helium filled balloons… Sure enough, the first Air Canada flight to arrive in the airspace checked in with the big deep pilot voice. The controller took a huge honk of the helium and cleared the flight to land in a voice akin to donald duck wearing very tight shorts!

No one seemed sure how the pilots recacted, but it gave the controllers one heck of a high!

• I'm from the FAA and I'm here to help you.
• Me? I've never busted minimums.
• We will be on time, maybe even early.
• Pardon me, ma'am, I seem to have lost my jet keys.
• I have no interest in flying for the airlines.
• I fixed it right the first time, it must have failed for other reasons.
• All that turbulence spoiled my landing.
• I'm a member of the mile high club.
• I only need glasses for reading.
• I broke out right at minimums.
• The weather is gonna be alright; it's clearing to VFR.
• Don't worry about the weight and balance - it'll fly.
• If we get a little lower I think we'll see the lights.
• I'm 22, got 6000 hours, a four year degree and 3000 hours in a Lear.
• We shipped the part yesterday.
• I'd love to have a woman co-pilot.
• All you have to do is follow the book.
• This plane outperforms the book by 20 percent.
• We in aviation are overpaid, underworked and well respected.
• Oh sure, no problem, I've got over 2000 hours in that aircraft.
• I have 5000 hours total time, 3200 are actual instrument.
• No need to look that up, I've got it all memorized.
• Sure I can fly it - it has wings, doesn't it?
• We'll be home by lunchtime.
• Your plane will be ready by 2 o'clock.
• I'm always glad to see the FAA.
• We fly every day - we don't need recurrent training.
• It just came out of annual - how could anything be wrong?
• I thought YOU took care of that.
• I've got the field in sight.
• I've got the traffic in sight.
• Of course I know where we are.
• I'm SURE the gear was down.