Contact: Jennifer Anderson/Mara Rubino
News Bureau
Northwestern State University
Natchitoches, LA 71497
(318) 357-6466

2/8/2002

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

NATCHITOCHES- With Valentine's Day quickly approaching and couples smothering each other with teddy bears, chocolates and roses, one may wonder what it really takes to maintain a lasting relationship. Several professors at Northwestern State University cite both communication and space as musts in any long-term relationship.

Dr. Susan Barnett, assistant professor of psychology, said it's important for couples to realize their sense of identity before they get caught up into a relationship.

"You have to know who you are before you can enter a lasting relationship," she said. "The number one question to ask when you're an adolescent is 'who am I?'"

According to Barnett the average marriage lasts nine years. The reason for this is because people do not ask themselves these critical questions before entering a relationship.

"This is why young couples dissolve," she said.

Barnett said many females base their identity on their boyfriend. Women need to work on defining their own identity so they do not rely solely on their partner or spouse.

In psychology courses at NSU, Barnett teaches her students about Sternberg's triangle of love. The triangle consists of three components; passion, intimacy and commitment. All three must be present in a relationship in order for it to last.

She said romantic love, which consists mainly of passion, lasts only between 18 months and two years. It is comprised mostly of "jealousy and possessiveness."

"You can't live in the heightened state of ecstasy romantic love requires," said Barnett. "A relationship is always growing and changing."

In her personal life, Barnett, who has been married for 35 years, said space plays an integral role in the relationship with her husband.

"We both allowed each other to grow," said Barnett. "Space is so important."

However, Barnett and her husband do make sure to set aside some time for each other. They go on a date once a week. She and her husband share similar hobbies such as water skiing and boating.

Mrs. Roxanne Lane, instructor of mathematics, met her husband of 23 years at Northwestern.

"We both have the same education. That's important," said Lane. "We communicate on a daily basis even if it's only 10 minutes."

Lane also feels that it is important for couples to give each other space and freedom when they need it.

"If he wants to do something, I'll let him do it," said Lane. "I'll stay home."

Lane said it is imperative not to insist on always having your own way.

"You have to be unselfish and give in sometimes. Put others' needs before yours," she said.

Lane and her husband always take the time to celebrate Valentine's Day together. However, they do not break the bank to do so. Lane said they celebrate with a card or dinner at a restaurant.

"We stay within our budget," she said.

Lane said she did not see the need for couples to impress each other with a $2000 diamond ring, for example.

Dr. Joe Hardin, assistant professor of English at Northwestern, said long-term
relationships should be about higher-level things.

Who you are in the world and the meaning of life should be questions one asks himself before entering a lasting relationship said Hardin.

Hardin said it is important for partners not to argue about trivial matters such as who left the cap off the tube of toothpaste.

"Make the relationship about real things," he said.

Concerning education, Hardin does not think couples necessarily have to have the same amount of schooling to make a long-term relationship work.

"Couples should be intellectual equals even if they don't have the same level of education," he said.

Mrs. Laura Carroll, instructor of English, also stresses the need for valuable quality time in a relationship. She and her husband of 40 years have traveled all over the world together.

"Never stop communicating," Carroll said. "Always, always communicate."

However, with communication comes conflict. At some point couples will most likely run into the problem of determining who is right or wrong and who is in control. With experience, Carroll has managed to keep this problem under wraps.

"In the South, men have to be the boss," said Carroll. "We just let them think they are and go do our own thing. I've done that many times."

Besides communication, Carroll believes the main ingredient to a good relationship is patience.

" Don't expect your partner to be perfect," she said. "Look at your own faults. Never get to the point where you can't say you're sorry."

Though patience may be difficult it can be learned, perhaps by spending time alone. Carroll recommends everyone maintain some private time, even if it's only to take a walk.

Long-term relationships, by no means, are easy. Several lessons can be learned from those who have succeeded. One piece of advice Carroll carries with her is that of her grandmother who said, "If you go to sleep in a double bed you can solve all your problems."

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